Yesterday I was trying to think of words beginning with ‘n’ for an acronym (yes, I was going about this the wrong way round) and realised that ‘n’ adjectives are usually negative. By far the most negative, to me, was the word ‘normal’. I use it a lot when I am describing what I am trying to achieve: a ‘normal’ life, to be a ‘normal’ person, to feel ‘normal’. However, I have realised that really I have no desire to be normal at all.
Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly low, when I am being suffocated and crushed by fear, anxiety or hopelessness, I find myself wishing that I was ‘normal’. I just want to stop feeling this way. I want the pain to stop ruling my life. When I use normal in this respect what am I saying; that ‘normal’ means unfeeling? I suppose what I really mean is some kind of stability or neutrality in feelings, but even this does not properly describe what I am after in those moments. I mean that I wish I was like the people I see and know who do not seem to feel this way; the people who can live their day to day lives quite easily and that appear to be reasonably happy with who they are. These people give the impression that they are ‘normal’, but how can I tell if this is all it is: an impression of normality?
When I am not feeling awful, I am often only hoping to give those around me an impression of normalcy. My main aim and desire is to hide my inner anxiety and my unconventional thoughts. I do not want people to see my distress or dis-ease. Often I want to disguise myself in this way in order to be left alone. If people think I am normal (and dull, I often try to appear even duller than I am) then they will not talk to me, they will not question me. What I want, then, is to trick people into believing I am ‘normal’, rather than to actually be that way.
I do not want to be normal.
When I was recently rewriting my CV, I was referring to a template that suggests some do’s and don’ts at the end. It gives this advice: ‘Don’t include anything too unusual in your Hobbies/Interests section. There is a fine line between interesting and whacky.’ My automatically rebellious brain began to search for the most obscure interest I had. I will never be ‘normal’ enough to fit into this conformist mould. I would much rather employ someone who composed operas based on comic books, than someone who had the generic ‘football, golf, hanging out with friends’ as their added touch of personality.
There is no true definition of ‘normal’ when it comes down to it. How would you really describe a normal person or a normal life? All I know is that I really do not want to be normal. To be normal is to be dull. It is to be average. It is to do all the mundane generic things, which you are supposed to do, but do not necessarily want to do. To be normal is to conform. To be normal you must shy away from change and progression. You will die without ever having lived. To be normal is to be nothing.
I do not know why I have been trying so hard the last few years to imitate some kind of normality. I was once able to embrace my uniqueness. As I child, when asked what my favourite activity was, I announced ‘bird watching’ with glee. I did not care about the strange looks I received from my peers. In fact, I relished my difference. I need to get that back. I should not be ashamed or embarrassed that I do not fit in with ‘normal’ society. I should not worry that I do not think the same as others.
I am different. So are you.
I am grateful that I am not normal.