Psychotherapy Session Two

Today was the day of my second session of psychotherapy. This morning passed so slowly, the afternoon slower. I was a ball of anxiety, desperately waiting for three o’clock. Not that I couldn’t wait for the session, but that I couldn’t wait for it to be over. I fidgeted, I faffed. I could not settle or concentrate on anything. Waiting, again.

As it turned 2.50pm, I was finally nearing the dreaded building. Fear began to overwhelm me, but alongside it fought an already approaching sense of relief. I fought against the anxiety and swallowed it down thinking ‘almost there means almost gone.’

As I sat down to begin the session my anxiety gentle eased away. Always present in the background, for now, at least, it was subdued. Only fifty minutes and then I would be free from this worry for another week. All in all, the session wasn’t too bad. The psychologist would pause for long periods of time, which I did not know if I was meant to fill with ramble or not. I almost laughed as these pauses continued to get longer and longer, but it was from nerves rather than amusement.

I talked about drifting through life and not making decisions. The problem again was that I was just telling him things that I already knew. I know why I can’t decide or find direction in my life. I want help to change that. I want to stop drifting. When you’ve been unemployed for a year, you have a lot of time to think and analyse. This last month or so of avoidance, I have been doing it a lot less, but still. He has fifty minutes a week and I have the other 10030 on top of another twenty three years.  I’m probably demanding a bit much when I expect him to help me make some major revelation when I’ve only spoken to him twice. I know, I need to give it time. The only conclusion we came to was that my life has been one moment of disillusion after another. Well who’s hasn’t been?

Next time, which won’t be for another two weeks, he suggested we discuss if I actually wanted to be there. I will decide, in the session, if I want to come back. Maybe we should have discussed that today, but perhaps I do need time to think. I had not intended to tell him that I didn’t want to be there, it just came out as an example of me not taking responsibility for or control over my own decisions. When he asked why I had not told him the first week, I replied: ‘I thought it would be a bit rude.’ I still think this, but perhaps it’s better if I am honest. I’m worried that I’m coming across as arrogant and a bit offensive, but I think it’s just the situation having a negative effect on me. When he asked if I wanted to get something from this I said: ‘I like to know why I am the way I am, but I would like to learn something I don’t already know…So you have to be very good.’ ‘I got that,’ he replied with a laugh. Well, at least he seems to be taking it well.

I really do need to make a proper decision about whether to continue on this leg of the journey or not. This weekend I need to speak to my parents about their expectations and pressure over this therapy. I need to let them know that guilt is the driving force in me continuing with it. I know that they are not making me go, but it would be beneficial for me, for them to say ‘You do not have to go. It is your choice,’ rather than ‘It will be good for you. It will help you,’ and implicitly saying that by not going I am refusing to get better. If that does happen, then I feel that only then can I properly make a choice about my own future. If I choose psychotherapy then I will be going to the sessions with a different mentality, a positive mentality.

Whatever my decision I cannot just use fifty minutes every week or two to work through my issues. It will take years to get anywhere. I need to actively learn about myself again and start living with the real me. The me who is sensitive, who has feelings, who hates inequality and injustice, who feels people’s pain and cares about others and the world. They were all positive traits, even if they were hard to live with. But they were, and again, could be me. I can become my true self again. Actually, I’m going to go for an improved version of my old self. Positive disintegration begins again.

A Million Little Pieces – The Search for an Authentic Self

I ventured into town today and survived. I sat in the sun, amongst the bustle and was overwhelmed by life. There was a man singing, I didn’t like his songs or even his voice, but he was so alive. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling; the people going past, the music, his voice ringing out. I almost cried. At what, I couldn’t tell you; all these people living their lives, the life I was watching day by day drift past, empty and meaningless.

I began thinking about all the people I am, have been and could be. All the different selves that these people passing by me are or could be. I feel like a million tiny fragments of myself, fragilely and desperately held together. I need to discover my real self and fuse me together from the scattered fragments and dust.

I have spent my life moulding into whatever person fits best into the environment around me. I adapt to play whatever role is required of me; in friendships, other relationships, at work. There have been times when I have ended up in a situation where I am trying to be two different people at the same time: the drunken, fun friend and the caring, sensible friend. It is difficult and confuses others as much as it confuses me. It usually leads to some kind of internal combustion and then I have to hide for a while. Try and get a little bit of isolation and sense of self back. Sometimes there seems to be so many roles to fulfil there is not enough of me, or enough sides of me, to go around.

In the past, far back in the past, it was not so bad. I had the best sense of self-identity in childhood. I knew who I was, what I stood for, what I wanted to fight for and how I wanted to change the world. I thought I could change the world. Simpler than that, I had likes and dislikes, opinions and views, I had enjoyment.

But I could see I was different. I moulded and adapted. A self-willed enculturation took place, on the outside. Inside I still knew who I was and resisted when I had to resist. But I began to step away from myself to make things easier. A coward’s way out. I appeared to care too much about things outside of myself, in a way that others didn’t  I felt like I was always campaigning and fighting against the grain, even if it was only an inner battle. I was very passionate about inequality and animal rights. I tried to fight huge injustices alone and failed. Eventually, I began to close myself off.

That is how I have survived in life so far, by closing off my heart. Learning not to feel or at least not showing that I feel. For me, outward displays of emotions, feeling and a moral code had to be hidden, pushed deep down and locked away, kept at bay. I had to appear to be like everybody else, although I often wondered how many other people were doing the same. No one could really be this empty. Then I worried in case most people truly were.

Are most people conscious of who they are? I often hate myself and the way I am, but I must feel better about myself than some people do. I have no problem with being alone and, as I’ve often said, I am better alone and definitely more like my true self. I do not need or want others to define myself, but I cannot help adjusting to fit the required mould when I am not alone.

To be my true self I must hold what I think is important and right, over that of the crowd. I must stand strong.

I used to be strong, although I thought of myself as weak. I know now that feeling deeply and having compassion and empathy are not weaknesses. I need to find the courage to embrace that.

Three Factors of Authentic Development

‘The developmental process in which occur ‘collisions’ with the environment and with oneself begin as a consequence of the interplay of three factors: developmental potential, […] an influence of the social milieu, and autonomous (self-determining) factors.’

Dabrowski

Development is a complicated concept in Dabrowski’s Theory of Positive Disintegration. There are three interrelated factors at play which indicate which individuals have the capacity for high development and the elements which encourage or hinder this process.

The First Factor

The first factor of development is Development Potential. For Dabrowski, this influence is mainly due to hereditary endowment, which goes beyond purely biological needs.

The main features of DP are overexcitabilities and dynamisms. Overexcitabilities are certain traits which mean that an individual experiences the world differently; more intensely and multisided. A more in depth analysis of OEs can be found here.

The OEs which are most strongly correlated to DP are Imaginational, Intellectual and Emotional.

Dynamism is defined by Dabrowski as: ‘biological or mental force controlling behaviour and its development. Instincts, drives, and intellectual processes combined with emotions are dynamisms.’ The dynamisms which are key to DP include subject-object in oneself, self-awareness and identification with one’s development.

In a study conducted by Michael Piechowski it was found that throughout an individual’s development the total influence of OE and dynamisms remained the same, however, as the individual progressed higher in their development, dynamisms became the driving force of development. OEs are the initial raw ingredients of DP; dynamisms come with conscious autonomy.

Other influences of DP include special talents, the creative instinct and a predisposition to psychoneurosis.

DP is a complex notion. It can be strong or weak, general or specific, positive or negative and expressed or hidden.

The Second Factor

The second factor arises from an external influence. It is the nurture component of this theory: environment and socialisation. This includes the role and influence (positive or negative) of family, society and education.  The majority of people are slaves to circumstance; unable to overcome the traditional rules and views of society that are imposed on them.

An individual with high development potential can overcome an extremely negative environment, despite the lack of support they may receive. For someone with low DP, the most cultivating and encouraging upbringing will do little to increase their development.  The second factor comes into play for those individuals with neither high nor low DP. These individuals, given a positive environment, have the capability to truly develop. Those in nonconstructive and damaging circumstances have little hope of development if their DP is not particularly strong.

The Third Factor

The third factor is a combination of nature and nurture, but it goes beyond this. Dabrowski explains: ‘the autonomous forces do not derive exclusively from hereditary and environment, but are also determined by the conscious development of the individual himself.’

The third factor is a dynamism with a force all of its own. It is:

‘A dynamism of conscious choice by which one sets apart both in oneself and in one’s environment those elements which are positive, and therefore considered higher, from those which are negative, and therefore considered lower. By this process a person denies and rejects inferior demands of the internal as well as of the external milieu, and accepts, affirms and selects positive elements in either milieu.’

This dynamism is the driving factor in authentic development. It involves becoming self-determined, controlling your own behaviour and choosing elements that are more like yourself and the person you want to become. It is conscious and will become explicit once other dynamisms are activated. The third factor is more than just drive and will; autonomy is its vital force. The third factor is the beginning of the actualisation of potential.

I think in order to fully engage with and embrace the third factor one must overcome socialisation. You must get back that notion, often considered childlike or naïve, that you can be better and that you can help to improve the world. To think, ‘the world is awful, but I am not willing to accept this!’ Authentic development is difficult, but it can, with time, patience and determination, be achieved.

All quotes, again, are taken from www.positivedisintegration.com

 

Anxiety

‘An individual who is developing must feel badly in different periods of time, must be tormented by sadness, anxiety, depressions, inner and external conflicts. Without these experiences there is no development, there is no growth of self-awareness.’

Dabrowski

According to Dabrowski’s Theory of Positive Disintegration, aspects of psychoneurosis such as depression and anxiety are essential components of development. These disintegrations are the initial step towards self-awareness and, hopefully, integration at a higher level.

I have decided to write about anxiety, today, when it has slightly abated, so that this post is not just fear, Fear and FEAR!

This afternoon I went to the supermarket, alone, at the weekend. I stopped leaving the house at the weekend some time ago; during the week there are less people – this improves my invisibility.

First of all, I spend many hours thinking about going out. Eventually I have the courage and leave the flat. On the first step my stomach flips. Ok, I’ll just hold the rail for the first few steps. At the start of each flight I feel sick and faint. Is it possible to suddenly develop vertigo? My hands begin to sweat, but finally I’m on the ground floor. Ok, so I held the rail most of the way down, but on one flight I didn’t, though I added a few baby steps before taking the plunge, but that still counts? Deep breath and I’m suddenly in the world outside.

As I walk to the shops I shiver and sweat in unison. I clamp my jaw shut when I pass someone, hoping that they can’t hear my teeth rattling away. I clutch my scarf constantly; what do the others do with their hands? I don’t look up exactly, but I am at least looking ahead. Today is a better day. A few weeks ago I would have walked there and back having never seen more than a few feet of grey in front of me.  I cross the roads when the man is green, so it’s safe. A newsagent’s door swings open with a sudden squeal and inside my heart forgets to beat, then makes up for it with a succession of thuds. On the outside I don’t react, apart from a flickering glance in the offending direction.

When I get to the supermarket I see that I will be ok. It is so vast I could hide here all day. I must be invisible; that explains why people hit me with trolleys and stand in my way.

So, why am I so anxious?

One aspect of it is social. Over the last year I have isolated myself. I sometimes don’t speak to anyone in the physical world for days and I can’t remember the last time I spoke to someone I don’t know. So I am afraid that someone may speak to me and then I will have to open my mouth and deal with the devastation of having nothing, at all, to say. However, it is more than just this. When I see other people walking down the street I cannot understand how they all appear so calm, so unaware of their surroundings. I feel so out of sync with the world and the other people in it. Being confronted by this heightens my sense of isolation and that I do not belong.

Being a Highly Sensitive Person also adds to the anxiety. Because everything scares me, I have spent my whole life trying to cover up and supress these fears. Noises frighten me, cars worry me, if I see a dog without a visible owner I get genuinely concerned for its welfare. To deal with this I try to physically react to nothing. If I cross the road and a car is coming I continue walking, but inside I’m screaming. I’ve learnt to control my reactions so well that it once became a game, between some friends of mine, to scare me. I said I jumped inside, but they wanted to see a physical reaction.

Thirdly, many of my anxieties are linked to my sense of self and where I am as a person, at my disintegrating stage of development. The more I read about Positive Disintegration and the more I learn about myself, the harder it becomes to try and force myself to be or appear ‘normal’. The gap between me and the others becomes wider, harder to bridge. Also I feel guilt and shame, for who I am and how I am living my life. When I see others this is amplified. If I can converse in some kind of ordinary way I feel ashamed of my pretence. I feel guilty that I am not being my true self, I simply adapt to the other. I feel restless and unsettled because every moment of ordinary life is a moment when I am not progressing, not moving forward.

I am trying to embrace this anxiety and use it to my advantage, to see myself for who I can be. I’m trying to not let it completely consume me, to the point that it is crippling. Today I managed to overcome some of my fear. Although it is far from easy, it is possible to push yourself through the barriers. If I ever make it to level three, it would be advantageous to be able to function.

I must continue to both use this anxiety and conquer it.

It can be done.

Manipulation and Control

‘The measure of a man is what he does with power’

Greek Proverb

I have come to realise that those who truly have the means to manipulate and control others are often the ones who do not use this power. I am thinking of the people with emotional overexcitability, highly sensitive people and those with any kind of innate insight into the mind of others and the reasons for their actions. The people who most often exert control appear translucent to the highly sensitive person. The HSP is aware of how they are manipulated and the reasons behind this. I feel that those who believe they have a strong influence over others often mistakenly believe that their power is so absolute that those under their control are not even aware of it.

Over the last few weeks I have tried to stop allowing myself to be simply used by others. This does not mean that some people cannot bend my will or that I do not yield to the wishes of others. My aim is more complex than that. I am trying to stop myself from being mutilated by those who I feel do not deserve to have me submit to them; the people who have abused the power for too long; the ones who I feel are not securing a benefit that outweighs my pain.

I am writing this post as last night I received a text simply asking if I wanted to go for a drink tonight. I did not want to but, thinking I might feel differently today, I said I would get back to her. This morning she texted me to say she was busy anyway. This person has had, what appears to be, almost complete control over me for many years. This, however, was not outwith my control or against my will. As I could see that she has often been outcast, manipulated and controlled by others, I felt that, as long as I remained in control, it was acceptable for her to believe that she had power over me. We were once friends, but I eventually realised that once I did not yield to her every wish, there was no friendship.

Still, she cannot relinquish control. I did not respond to her text with the only real option she had given and so she removed any sense of agency and choice on my part. She still believes she has control, but was it me who made the decision? Where does this power lie? Is there a sense of control simply by having an awareness of the dynamics?

With any group of people – work place, a group of friend, a family – there are undercurrents of power and control. It can be as subtle as selectively unseeing a task which must be completed, knowing that there will be someone else who sees and does. HSP are more likely to see the sensitivities of those around them; someones’ failings in their own eyes; their hidden secrets and potential. The HSP can watch the undercurrents of manipulation and the power relations at play.

Most highly sensitive people, those with a strong sense of compassion and empathy, use this insight, but not as a form of power or control over others. They can use their awareness to elevate others. They can allow people to see who they truly are, even if it is only by listening to and supporting somebody. Almost everyone can be a truer version of themselves, a genuine human being.

An added benefit may be that the HSP themselves feel good because them have helped another. However, even if this is not the case, the elevation of the victim may feel more significant or outweigh the pain of the HSP.

It is often assumed that someone who allows themself to appear to be controlled or manipulated has low self-esteem or cannot stand up for themselves.  Dabrowski describes his ‘oppressed’ group of people (which often includes those with emotional OE or HSP) as: ‘gentle, emotionally quite sensitive, who are never brutal but are often inhibited, who take things deeply into their hearts and who withdraw into themselves rather than retaliate.’ It is often a conscious choice not to retaliate. It is not a weakness.  It is not about believing you are not as good as someone else, but knowing that you are no better!

The problem comes when someone must have that power and control in order to feel good about themself. What is the HSP or anyone to do then? If someone has forever been the victim it is too easy to yield to them, fully aware of the power dynamics at play.

The question is: should you allow yourself to be manipulated for the ‘greater good’ and do you retain any aspect of control if you are fully aware of this manipulation?

Positive Disintegration and Overexcitabilities

‘One who manifests several forms of overexcitability, sees reality in a different, stronger and more multisided manner.’

Dabrowski

Yesterday I was finally in the state of mind to actively begin this journey. Today I will start at the beginning.

I first fell across Dabrowski and his Theory of Positive Disintegration when I was severely depressed and searching for any kind of hope or explanation.  I typed something as obscure as ‘vegetarianism and existential depression’ into google and fell across this page:

http://giftedkids.about.com/od/gifted101/qt/emotional_oe.htm

Suddenly so many aspects of my life made sense. I feel as if the article was written about me; even down to the description of toddlers which, my mum confirmed, resembled my temperament. I am not a broken being, I have overexcitabilities; or, the translation which I feel is most fitting for me, emotional supersensitivity.

There are five types of overexcitabilities put forward by Dabrowski: psychomotor, sensual, imaginational, intellectual and emotional. These last three are considered the more decisive of the OEs for development potential.

Psychomotor

The traits of this include a vast amount of energy, intense physical activity, rapid speech, competitiveness and can also include sleep problems due to difficultly in settling thoughts.

Sensual

Enhanced sensory and aesthetic pleasure; this can include increased appreciation of music, art and words and the relishing of certain tastes, sounds, smells, feelings and sights. With this comes strong irritation, from overstimulation of the senses, or certain sounds, textures and sights, which can cause the person to withdraw from sensory input.

Now this is like me. Arguments about school clothes were endless when I young and caused many a delay in getting to school on time: ‘This feels funny.’ ‘Funny how!?’ ‘Just funny.’

Imaginational

This person may have an enhanced inner world and vivid imagination. As a child they may have imaginary friends or be so involved in their inner lives that they can confuse fiction and reality or embellish real life events. Attributes also include frequent use of imagery and metaphor and elaborate dreams.

I feel as if I spent my whole childhood and much of my adult life in an imaginary world, constantly being dragged out of daydreams. I had imaginary pets and all my toys, to me, were real. They had secret lives away from the adult world. I’m also an eager reader and, as a child especially, I was the character in the book when I read. I was White Fang and Lyra Silvertongue.

Intellectual

Intellectual OE is not just about intelligence. It is about an unabating thirst for knowledge; a person who actively seeks truth and understanding about the world around them. They are curious, enjoy problem solving, have moments of extraordinary concentration and periods of sustained intellectual effort.  They are independent of thought and frequently highly moral in their thinking.

My joy in life comes from learning and it always has. If something interests me I can get absorbed in it. I was never willing, as a child, to accept things the way they were with no explanation of why things were that way. I had to know and I had to understand – everything!

Emotional

People with emotional OE often have a hard time in the brutal world in which we live in. They can have extremes of emotion and anxiety, feelings of guilt and responsibility and they take each hurt and injustice as their own. They are also predisposed to loneliness and depression. Nevertheless this OE is frequently the attribute which raises an individual’s development potential above the rest. They have a predisposition towards great empathy and compassion. They have a strong sense of right and wrong and injustice.

I feel as if, as a child, I suddenly became disillusioned about the world. When I discovered that I had been eating animals I was horrified. Some people say, at seven years old, I was young to decide to become a vegetarian, but really it had taken me seven years to discover a truth that was staring me in the face. It did not cross my mind that the people around me who said they cared about animals would be doing something which so obviously suggested that they did not care very much at all. I started to see that the ideal that I had in my head of how the world should be was not even close to being achieved and it physically pained me.

So that is a brief outline of Dabrowski’s overexcitabilities. I think the first step on this journey is to embrace the uniqueness of your own OEs. Just because it is not conventional to be so absorbed in a piece of work you forget to eat or to be personally concerned and feel guilty about the welfare of someone you have never met, it does not mean that it is wrong. OEs allow the individual to view the world in a different way and differences between people should be embraced.

Overexcitabilities are just the first step in the Dabrowskian journey. Development potential is also reliant on other factors such as environment and ‘the third factor’, but I will save them for another day. If you can’t wait, this website has everything you would ever need to know about positive disintegration:

http://www.positivedisintegration.com

The resources are endless. It really is tremendous.

Thanks to Dabrowski, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

In The Beginning

They have to combine sensitivity with moral courage. They have to work out a way to combine their own sensitivity, their gentleness, sacrificial nature and empathy – with heroism!

Kazimierz Dabrowski

Today is the day I must begin.

I must write. I must speak. I must let myself feel.

I cannot live in this bubble, which I have created for myself, because it is easier. I must let myself feel again; face the injustice, pain and evil in this world. I must try to change it, as much as I can.

I am lost. I have been told over and over that there is something wrong with me. Just because I am not the same, it does not mean that there is something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with knowing and admitting that, as I am, I am not good enough. I must be better. I must be my true self.

I have tried to force myself into the conventional mould, but that is not the place for me. I do not want people to say: ‘You are ill’, ‘There is something wrong with you’, ‘You must live this way because everyone else has to,’ or worse, ‘You are good enough the way you are.’ I do not want to live in an empty world. I do not want an empty existence. But it has been hard to fight this kind of resistance and I have not always been able to cope. The easiest way to survive in this world has been to cut myself off, to kill my brain, to learn not to care and not to feel.

But no longer!

To become who I need to be I must face my fears, these shadows in the dark. I must propel myself upward and not waste my time, here at level II, fighting off the hands in the dark, clutching at my ankles, trying to pull me back to the fold. I am not made for level I. I cannot stay at level II for much longer. All possible outcomes have been so close; psychosis, suicide, reintegration. The outcome I strive for must be just that- strived for. I must reach level three and continue, fighting and dragging myself through the dark, until I can see, feel, live and create. Then to help others who are lost and alone in this position. There are others. There must be others. We are not alone.