Tag Archives: lonely

Isolation

‘I am in truth the Steppenwolf; that beast astray who finds neither home nor joy nor nourishment in a world that is strange and incomprehensible to him.’

Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf

I am looking out of the window, watching the world outside. I am disconnected from the people, the streets, the sun in the sky. I am separate and alone, an objective observer of a life I am not part of.

It is not just loneliness. I have always been alone. I have managed to spend a large amount of my life surrounded by people. This does not mean that I have not always been alone. Isolation is different. It is being detached from society. I felt lonely when I had people around me who cared, now I am severed from that; cut off and separate from others.

Besides, I do not mind being lonely. I am more myself when I am not with people. When I am with others I adapt myself, forever the chameleon, letting them see what they want to see; relieving their loneliness.

There are times, glimmers of connectedness, but these days, they are rare. It is not just talking to someone, with them talking back. It is having someone relate, connect, understand, share.

I do not feel or need the way I am informed that I should feel and I should need. I do not understand society and the mentality behind it. I have no desire to achieve for achievement’s sake. I do not need or want status, riches or fame. I do not fit with or understand the simple day to day things either. I do not want to watch mindless TV. I get no joy from empty chatter.

It has become worse. I go to the park and feel nothing, and realise the only reason I have gone outside is because I have been told to go outside is good, to walk is good, to go out in the sun is good. At this stage, stepping outside counts as an achievement; but I feel nothing. To be in the park you must have a pet, a child or an other. To be there alone, amplifies the isolation. To not feel connected to nature even, worries me.

Last time I looked out at the sea I did not hear the waves or feel the spray on my face. I felt nothing. It did not call to me as it once did. I am an empty shell.

I am isolated from myself; an observer, outside, watching myself for a reaction to see if I can still feel. But I don’t. I feel nothing at all. Emptiness and isolation.

Leave a comment

Filed under Musings

Reading and Self-Actualisation

‘The inclination to read comes from a person’s sense that the act of reading is an act of significance. Solitude in which to contemplate the issues they find in their world, and in the books they read, fostered a resistance to enculturation and autonomy of thought.’

Stutler

I discovered an article, by Susan Lee Stutler, entitled ‘Gifted Girls’ Passion for Fiction: The Quest for Meaning, Growth, and Self-Actualization’. In it she refers to Dabrowski and the Theory of Positive Disintegration and provides an interesting and thorough investigation into the role that reading can have in life, which I can wholeheartedly relate to.

Her study involves eight 11-12year old girls, who have been identified as verbally gifted and are avid readers. Stutler examines the role that reading plays in these girls’ lives; how it aides their development and self-actualisation. Her overall conclusion is outlined below:

‘Major findings were that the girls read and make meaning in and around three interconnected areas of intelligence and intensity: intellectual, imaginational, and emotional. As they read fiction, the girls engage in a process of determined growth in each of these domains of human awareness. The girls challenge themselves with difficult literature, critical and empathic thinking, and problem finding. As the girls read and make meaning, they are involved in constructing their lives’ purpose. They are youthful self-actualizers.’

Stutler places specific emphasis on Dabrowski’s big three overexcitabilities: intellectual, imaginational and emotional.

In my pre-teen years especially, but also in adolescence and adulthood, I passionately consumed books. When I was young reading fiction was a way to try and make sense of the world; it was a way to experience the thoughts and feelings of others; to try to find where I fitted in. Reading Stutler’s study, I am reminded of what an important place literature held in my life and my heart. To have been one of her research reading group would have been a delight and allowed me to fully express my love of reading and learning in a way which I could only truly communicate with one other.

The joy and desire to read can be exceptionally valuable in those with intellectual overexcitability. Stutler explains:

‘[The girls] used time reading fiction to ask questions about large issues such as justice, death, and the purpose of life; about what is and what ought to be. The girls used fiction to self-educate. They wrestled with intellectual questions with an intensity that led to growth and development.’

Literature is the tool by which a child can build knowledge; where they can seek out their own answers and truths.  They can read beyond their level and challenge themselves; they can reach something beyond themselves. Books can also allow a child a glimpse into the adult world, but with the bonus of believing that, although things are not right the way they are, they can be changed and they can be fought for. I think Dabrowski’s ‘third factor’ can also come into play here. Reading can involve a kind of self-determination and drive to find your place and purpose in life.

For me, I read because I wanted to know and understand everything. Even if books could not provide me with the answers, I was at least reassured that someone was asking the same questions. Additionally, I usually ended up with more questions than I started with.

Stutler notes that the girls in her study also had strong imaginational overexcitability. They could picture a character or scene so vividly that they could lose all sense of time, place and self. Again, this is something I can relate to. Sometimes I would only notice I had been reading half the night when it began to get light. In the article, imaginational aspects can be linked to higher development: ‘Reading and imaginative reflection leads to further questions, more conflict, and psychic transformation.’

In addition to the likelihood of those with intellectual, imaginational and emotional OEs having high development potential, I think reading along with imagining can also help overcome Dabrowski’s second factor of development: environment and socialisation. For the girls in this study, and other children and adults alike, reading has the power to effectively remove a reader from their surroundings. It provides a sense of escapism. Readers are no longer restrained in the same way as they may be in their physical lives. They are free to imagine who they can become and what they can do in this world. Although I had a good childhood, reading had allowed me to believe that nothing could stop me and I really could change the world. I was soon disillusioned and this belief disappeared in adulthood, but the part of me which believes in Dabrowski’s theory and imagines that I can become more fully developed and become my true self, was first born through reading.

I think that reading truly provides a stepping stone to development to those with emotional OE. As Stutler notes: ‘Emotional affinity with the characters enhanced the reading experience and fostered constructive meaning.’ A reader who can empathise with a character and really does feel their plight, be it pain, isolation, discrimination or abandonment, can empathise with all of humanity. This can lead them to a feeling of wanting to do more to help others; to look for a purpose outside of their own needs.

When I was a child I developed a strong empathy for animals that has never left me. This is partly due to literature. When I read White Fang I could see the world through his eyes and feel his pain. It also allowed me to see a side of humanity which I was highly uncomfortable with. This made me determined to do more to fight for those without a voice. To me, animals were often more human than those around me.

A concluding point, which is out with the basic framework of Positive Disintegration, but is extremely powerful nonetheless, is the ability that reading has of relieving isolation. Literature provides the reader with a place where they can belong, if they do not belong with their peers. The traditional teacher’s back up plan, for those students who have completed their work before the others, is silent reading.

When I read Steppenwolf, as an adolescent, I found the first character who I could relate to so entirely. I wondered how a book could be written about me, before I was born, by a man in his fifties who I had never met. How could he understand what it was like to be me and feel what I feel? Regardless of the how, the feeling that someone understood made me feel less alone in the world. It hardly matters if it is fiction. It was written by a real human being. With a book loneliness is diminished. If the character is lonely, you become lonely together. You can fight their cause together.

Finally, the notion of solitude does have a role to play in higher development and realisation of the third factor. Stutler notes: ‘According to Dabrowski […] persons at the upper levels of development plan and seek the solitude that is necessary for further development.’ Through the information gathered in her study she asserts:

‘Time spent in solitude reading fiction helped the girls overcome adversity, allowed them to resist enculturation, and caused them to question the split between the way things are and the way things should be. The girls used fiction to self-educate as they begin to realize their lives’ purpose.’

Do not underestimate the power of reading.

Leave a comment

Filed under Positive Disintegration